When you're tired from caring and carrying

Dear tired teacher,

Sometimes our tiredness is simply physical tiredness, but I find that many times my physical tiredness is part of a nasty tangle of emotional and mental tiredness, too. Untangling them is tough. It's also important work. 

This post will mainly center on women for two reasons. One, I'm a woman, and two, the majority of teachers are women, so this seems like a good basis for this perspective. Of course, men get tired from caring and carrying too; sadly, no one is implicitly exempt. (Let's go ahead and note here that these are my thoughts, and though they are based on research and experience, they aren't meant to be any kind of licensed help.)

Professional women, especially if they have families or social obligations, find themselves juggling multiple roles and responsibilities, and the pressure to perform can be overwhelming. Striving for excellence is admirable but can lead to significant stress and compassion fatigue. Juggling those roles for a long time and feeling especially skilled in that juggling doesn't make it healthy or beneficial, and you will eventually pay a heavy toll. Understanding the links among these elements is crucial for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being. 

Understanding Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue is a condition that affects people who are in caregiving roles or professions that require high levels of sustained empathy and emotional engagement (think healthcare providers, mental health professionals, social services providers, first responders, education professionals, humanitarian aid workers, and clergy/chaplains - generally anyone who is regularly exposed to others' suffering and distress). These roles often involve intense emotional labor, frequent exposure to suffering (and the associated emotions of those receiving care), and a high degree of empathy, making individuals in these professions more susceptible to compassion fatigue. Compassion fatigue is characterized by emotional exhaustion, reduced ability to feel empathy, and a decrease in satisfaction or enjoyment of previously enjoyable activities. 

Stress and the Drive to Perform

Stress is a natural response to demands placed on us by our environment (or people/things in our environment). A healthy level of stress pushes us to learn and grow, making us as individuals and professionals more capable of handling bigger challenges in the future. Stress in beneficial small-and-appropriate doses can help us stay alert and focused, building in us the drive to perform. However, chronic stress can have detrimental effects on both physical and mental health. The constant pressure to excel in our careers, manage household or family responsibilities, and maintain social connections can lead us to a state of perpetual stress, and this is not healthy. The problem is that this stress is often compounded by a deeply ingrained drive to perform, which is fueled by a desire to succeed, to be recognized, and to meet the high expectations we set on ourselves and those placed on us by society. While ambition and determination are positive traits, they can become toxic when they lead to overworking, neglecting self-care, and sacrificing personal well-being. 

You can probably see the bigger challenge looming on the horizon: the interplay between compassion fatigue, stress, and the drive to perform creates a vicious cycle - a perfect, nasty storm of perfectionism, self-criticism, and an increasing imbalance of expectations, health, and performance. It's like when Venom starts to take over Spiderman; the dark side has its place (Venom made Spiderman physically stronger), but left unchecked, it can ruin the good. Professional women who are highly empathetic are more susceptible to compassion fatigue. This, in turn, can increase stress levels, making it harder to perform at their best. The constant drive to meet high standards (whether internally- or externally applied) can add to stress and compassion fatigue, ultimately leading to burnout. 

Break the Cycle

If feeling like you're staggering from the weight of caring and carrying describes your current situation, I'm with you. It's hard to look honestly at our lives and see how some of the things we do are not sustainable or healthy, and that's where I am this summer. I can do lots of things and I can manage multiple responsibilities, both in my professional and personal life. But I can't hold them all at the same time without putting them down occasionally. What do you say we get out of this compassion fatigue/performance/stress cycle, and let ourselves off the hook for not being perfect or getting it all done? We can grow and flourish when we break out of the constraints we put on ourselves. Here are some ideas of how we can make this happen:

💝Build self-awareness by recognizing the signs of compassion fatigue and chronic stress. This includes emotional numbness, irritability, a sense of being overwhelmed, physical fatigue, poor sleep, and (for me) not being able to drink enough coffee to shake off the blah. (And I can drink a lot of coffee.)

💝Set healthy boundaries in both professional and personal life. This might include saying "no" to additional responsibilities or delegating tasks. 

Here's a podcast that talks about delegating: "#293: Mastering the Art of Delegation"

💝Prioritize self-care by making it a non-negotiable part of your routine. This includes physical activities, relaxation techniques, and hobbies that bring you joy and spark your creativity. It also includes setting and maintaining a bedtime routine and schedule. Stretching today past your limits will not give you a headstart on tomorrow. 

💝Ask for help from friends, family, or health professionals. Sharing your experiences, feelings, and advice with others can provide relief and perspective. 

💝Practice mindfulness and meditation practices to stay grounded and help deal with stress. These practices can help you reconnect with yourself and manage your emotions more effectively. 

Here's a podcast that talks about burnout: "Brene with Emily and Amelia Nagoski on Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle"

The shakedown

You know the line about being on an airplane and if the oxygen masks drop down, adults are supposed to use the oxygen masks first, and then put them on their kids? Yeah, I know it too. Do I practice my own oxygen mask instructions? Not consistently. 

But tired teacher friend, we can't take care of the other people we care so much about if we don't first care for ourselves. When we're suffering from compassion fatigue and we're just past the point of going one step further, we're no good to anyone. We have to take care of ourselves first. In our jobs, we won't be able to get away from other people's strong emotions or needs, so compassion fatigue will always be lurking around the corner. We can, however, build our physical and emotional well-being so that we can handle the stressful components of our lives.  

Success is not just about meeting external expectations but also about maintaining your well-being and inner peace. 

Shine on! 🌞

Hollie